Xena: Mommy of the Gods
by Lady Razeli
Summary: A short comedy about a new aspect to Xena's relationship with the Gods.


Xena: Mommy of the Gods

By

Lady Razeli

Disclaimer: I do not own Xena: Warrior Princess...

"So what's this?" Xena asked holding up a scroll from Aphrodite's chosen Kristofer. Xena was the Destroyer of Nations and the chosen of the God of war. There were always stupid little social duties that they always skipped on and others they attended because Zeus had demanded it. Ares looked at the scroll.

"Oh hey you've been invited to game night just the chosens." Xena made a face and threw it in the fire from her position on the bed of the God of War. Xena didn't fear losing her heart to this powerful God, War couldn't love and she had already assessed her feelings enough to learn that in the bedroom things were strictly sexual as far as emotions went. Xena was however surprised when it came back and hit her in the leg.

"What the hell?"

"Oh game night is mandatory, which ever chosen initiates game night has control over you until you get there. You have to go and you may not leave until they conclude game night. So you can not go, but eventually you'll find yourself there."

"No avoiding it?"

"None."

"So what should I expect?"

"Oh I don't know Gods aren't allowed in the God's temple where their chosen is hosting game night, not even the patron God, but Kristofer definitely knows what's suppose to happen in all that," He replied running his hand over creamy legs. Xena groaned.

"Will it take long, I do have a war tomorrow."

"No, no in fact why don't you head over now." He waved his hand and she was gone. Law did not allow him to tell his new chosen what happened on game night, only after she had participated in her first one could he say anything about it.

* * *

"Xena, chosen of Ares, God of War welcome to Aphrodite's temple, as you know I am Kristofer the chosen of Aphrodite Goddess of Love and Beauty." Xena eyed him wearily, but nodded making an effort not to be mean. Zeus had told her that there were a couple of rules she may not break without serious consequence when it became clear she didn't plan on playing by too many of the rules.

"Drop the formalities we've met. So Kristofer what's this game night, I suppose I'm the only one here who knows nothing about it."

"That's right."

"And why haven't I been informed of this before?" Xena asked as she was to the inner chamber of the pink temple it really wasn't her style, she preferred darker colors.

"Because you're new sweetheart, I didn't find out about game night until my first one thirty years ago. Besides just play along its not like we have these every year."

"You don't?" Xena asked thinking she might actually like the idea of game night mostly because it never happened. Kristofer shook his head.

"No, in fact the last one was thirty years ago," He told her. "So you came just in time. Its sad, but my mortal life is nearing its end, and Aphrodite is granting me leave to start a family with my true love and live out the rest of my days in peace."

"Who's taking your place?"

"Oh I don't know, someday someone else will come along worthy of being the Goddess of Love's chosen, though nobody can do a better job than me." Xena rolled her eyes.

"And I thought I was full of myself."

"Oh no honey you'll be at the top when I'm gone." He was all smiles and grins and it made Xena sick. If he wasn't the chosen of Aphrodite who she had come to love like the sister she never had, she would have been suspicious of him.

"Sure." They entered the inner chamber.

"You remember the chosens, whose names don't matter." They all frowned waiting for their names to be said a reminder, but Kristofer didn't bother, he had business to take care of. "There's your seat on the lovely black satin pillow, just have a seat and we can all get started on this fun filled night." Xena sat down as she looked at all the chosens most looking weary of the whole game night thing. They were all much older than her and some newer, but not newer than her, but definitely more informed.

"All right ladies and gents look at me." They all turned their attention to Kristofer. "Welcome to game night and I just want you to know that there's only one rule in the game we're playing tonight."

"Only one game tonight?" Xena asked pointing out in few words that game night usually meant a night of several games not just one.

"Yes, just one now shut up and let me talk." Xena frowned and reached for a dagger before realizing that she was in a silk top with silk trousers with no weapons. She frowned and decided to just choke him, but found herself glued to her seat. "As I was saying there's only one rule and that rule is play or die. If you don't play you will die a horrible death and shame shall be cast upon your God, he may even lose his status. Gods can be replaced people. So by your vow to be loyal you may not choose to die." Everyone nodded including an angry Xena.

"Let me up."

"In a minute chill." He took a deep breath as if annoyed, but he couldn't care less about her fit. "Now the name of the game is call hot coals."

"Hot coals?" Some one asked. Xena didn't see who asked the question, but Kristofer was already nodding.

"Oh yes, now all you have to do is walk over the hot coals doing a head stand. And once we determine our loser because only one person can lose we can all go home and not suffer each other's company."

"Than let's get a move on," Xena grunted as she was suddenly released from her pillow and fell to the side with a grunt. She pushed her hair out of her face in annoyance at Kristofer before they all stood, a bed of hot coals appeared.

"I'll go first," Kristofer volunteered. He went across with the help of Hades chosen and he wasn't burned at all.

"That's cheating," She pointed out.

"No, its not there's no rule that says he can't help me," Kristofer smirked as he helped Hades chosen next. Everyone went one by one aided by another. Xena knew very well that she would be on her own and that they had no intention of helping her whatsoever, which was fine. If they weren't getting burnt or making a sound that she would have no trouble going across.

"Your turn Xena," the amazon told her slyly. Xena gave her a half smile before doing a handstand and walking on the coals, which were burning hot, she could already smell her flesh burning. Luckily she had thought to tie her hair up. She refused to make a sound and tough it out like the rest, but than halfway through she felt herself falling and her back in the hot coals frying, but as soon as the pain appeared it was gone on her back and hands. She was on solid cold ground.

"What the hell, who pushed me?" Kristofer raised his hand.

"Before you try and hurt me, I remind you there's no rule against it."

"Your lucky my curiosity is stronger than my need to kill you right now."

"Well sit back down and we'll get started on why you're the loser and why we're all happy and you're not." Xena sighed and sat up looking at him for an explanation.

* * *

"I don't know why you got involved with that God," Cyrene told Xena. "You would at least wear a dress before he came a long."

"Mother please let it go, I'm here now, I'm not a warlord, I have a new best friend, and believe it or not you got me in a stupid dress."

"Yes, well, now I've got a new set of demands." Xena groaned.

"Well let's hear it, because you're going to tell me anyway." Gabrielle chuckled beside her enjoying her meal as did Torres who had come back with them to Amphipolis. They had stopped and picked up his sons along the way. Xena was very pleased with her two nephews they were so precious. The oldest was three and the youngest two. Cyrene was also very pleased with Lyceus and Sirin.

"Oh don't you laugh I have my own demand for you Torres."

"Why one for him and several for me?" Xena asked.

"Because you have more to do." Cyrene turned back to her son. "I want you to find a good woman to be a mother to these boys, they can't survive on just a Grandmother and Aunt's love, a mother can be very special."

"I'm trying really, don't you think I know my boys need a mother?"

"No or you would have brought a girl around for an opinion as a potential wife."

"Yes ma'am." Cyrene now turned to her wayward daughter. Xena stopped eating and gave her mother her full attention knowing full well she probably had no intention of fulfilling her demands at least not on purpose.

"And you daughter, you need a find a husband and give me several more grandchildren. And settle down here in Amphipolis and help me out in the tavern."

"Would you like to put a number on the children I choose to have as well?" Xena asked sarcastically.

"Five is good, but ten is better," Cyrene told her in all seriousness. Xena was about to make a retort that surely would have started a meaningless argument between the two of them when Ares appeared. Gabrielle immediately became protective of her friend who was affected so much and glared at Ares.

"Go away Ares," Gabrielle told him. Ares didn't seem to hear her as he was looking at Xena with puppy dog eyes and Xena was looking away and ignoring him.

"Xena," He said in a sing song voice. "Can I..."

"No, Ares."

"Please Xena, I p..."

"No," Xena interrupted again.

"But it..."

"No!" Xena yelled in a mother like tone that mirrored Cyrene's when she was a child. Ares' made his bottom lip tremble it was rare that the God of War acted like a child and Gabrielle found it hilarious to witness.

"But..."

"No buts."

"I want it!" He yelled stomping his boot.

"I don't care if you want young man I said you can't have it."

"Well I'm going do it anyway."

"Try me, I dare you Ares, I dare you, try it and see what happens." Ares stomped his boot.

"You're so mean, you never let me have anything fun!" Ares yelled like a spoiled teenager. "I hate you!" He disappeared in a flash.

"Tough love, deal with it!" Xena yelled after him knowing he heard her.

"What the hell was that?" Torres asked. Everyone was looking at her for an answer.

"Nothing, just part of a binding contract, I have to do that unfortunately."

"Xena can I..." Artemis asked showing up.

"No."

"Xena please I'll never ever ask you for anything again," Artemis whined.

"No, Artemis now go back to your Amazons or else." Artemis gulped and disappeared. Several other Gods came with Xena giving them all the same answer and fending off her family's questions.

"Its nothing really guys, they become annoying every so often its fine." Xena and her mother were fixing her bed, which had been put off, Gabrielle had already gone to bed when Aphrodite appeared crying.

"Xena he did it, he disobeyed you," Aphrodite tattled. "Xena go make him stop I hate it." Xena groaned she was ready for bed. She sighed and waved her hand. Aphrodite transported her without another word. Xena appeared in the halls of war where Ares was munching on the much feared chocolate. It could only be distributed by her to the Olympians or else they became extremely fat and powerless. Chocolate was their biggest weakness.

"Ares Gavyn Percival War!" Xena yelled. "You want me to let the bitch out of her box don't you?!" She grabbed him by his black leather vest. Ares gulped he had never seen Xena so angry. "I asked you a question you man, I said do you want me to let the bitch out of her box?"

"No," He squeaked.

"Than you get rid of all this damn chocolate this instant." He did with a wave of his fat hand, but just barely. She put him over her knee and the sound of thunder roared all over Greece. When she was done he was his normal self again, but crying. "Go to your room and if you make one sound I will come in there and you won't be happy!" He ran off to his room. "Aphrodite!" She appeared and grabbed onto Xena's arms.

"Thank you again Xena, you're the best."

"This morning you hated me."

"I didn't mean it, I never do, you keep me from getting fat. So can I..."

"No Aphrodite we've been through this a million times before."

"Your mean!" She flashed out angry.

"Children." She finally got to bed after complaining to her mother that she couldn't possibly have ten children when already had twelve whiney ones. Unfortunately as the days passed the Gods all got into chocolate and when she finally spanked them all back to normal she had reached her limits with them.

"That's it!" Xena thundered. "I'm done, I'm calling an official game night!" The Gods gasped.

"No, Xena you can't do that you're the most successful of all the chosens in the history of this role," Athena cried.

"No, no I am done. Since the day I was tricked into this role I have spanked you, I have fed you at times, I've taken care of you when you were mortal, and kept you from making all the stupid decorating choices just like the contract stimulated, but I am done. I have had it up to here with your disobedience. Let some one else handle it. Game night is official." They knew that invitations had officially been sent out. Xena disappeared to the Halls of War automatically and easily set up "game night." The first ten to arrive agreed to gang up on the last and newest game night participant who had no idea what he was getting herself into.

"This sucker is going down," Xena heard them whisper as she greeted Athena's Chosen, Elena.

"This is game night?" She asked wondering if she were in the right place.

"Yes, this year game night is being held in the Halls of War and next time it will be in the Halls of Wisdom I assure you." She nodded.

"Wow I get to host game night so soon?"

"Yes, yes," Xena told her leading her to the rule. "Now have a seat." Elena took a seat. "All right so everyone knows how to play the game." Everyone nodded except Elena.

"No, how do I play?" Elena asked.

"How to play comes after the rules." Elena nodded. "Now there's only one rule and that rule is play or die. If you don't play you will die a horrible death and shame shall be cast upon your God, he may even lose his status. Gods can be replaced people. So by your vow to be loyal you may not choose to die. I could ask if you agree, but since you're here, you've really got no choice in the matter." Everyone nodded just accepting it except a confused Elena who found she could no longer speak. Xena was tired of her interrupting. " Now the name of the game is hand in the fire."

"Hand in the fire?" Xena let Elena asked.

"You will stick your hand in the fire and the first person's hand to leave the fire is the loser." They nodded as they all stood up, Elena stood up as well and a fire appeared in the middle. Everyone kneeled before the fire feeling its heat. Xena stuck her hand in first followed by everyone else. Elena they found was tougher than previously assessed because she kept her hand in even with tears in her eyes. Finally Xena rolled her eyes and used her free hand to push Elena back so that she fell and her hand left the fire.

"What the hell you pushed me I don't lose," Elena said as her hand returned to normal and Xena pulled her hand out of the fire first followed by the others. "Otherwise that's cheating."

"No actually there's no rule that says I can't push your ass so that your hand leaves the fire. You lose and thank the Gods because I am officially free from being a mother to all this whiney little Gods."

"What?" Elena was schooled and while she went to sulk because she was in fact immediately called to duty they partied in celebration.

* * *

Seven months later Xena was visiting her mother again. When twelve stars shot to the ground. When Xena, Cyrene, and Gabrielle were able to look at the twelve stars that were now outside before them in the warm afternoon it became twelve very fat and badly dressed mortal Gods, with chocolate all over their face.

"What the hell?" Xena asked.

"Elena failed," Athena said trying to catch her breath as she rolled to her feet, chocolate had caused them all to swell up that their feet were like dots and they barely had arms anymore.

"Shit," Xena groaned.

"So your it again," Ares told her in a high squeaky voice.

"Gabrielle can you help me roll the children into the tavern?"

"Uh yeah sure Xena." Cyrene gave them a hand as well having a hard time forcing the Gods through the door. Having to lean several times on Ares and Zues they were the worst.

"See this is why we shouldn't let incompetent chosens play," Hera complained. Xena just shook her head.

"What's wrong with them?" Gabrielle asked.

"The Gods have become mortal and powerless fat children who have blew up like a pig's bladder," Xena told her.

"Can you fix them?" Cyrene asked.

"Nothing a little paddling can't handle to some degree, but they're so bad right now it'll be a few days before their powers return and they grow." Xena opened a case and pulled out a black paddle. She slapped Gabrielle's hand away. "Don't touch the paddle this is only for the anointed."

"My bad don't get touchy." Xena rolled her eyes.

"So who wants to be spanked first?"

"Oh you know I do."

"Anyone else who wouldn't have thoughts of me robbing the cradle." Ares frowned and tried to cross his arms but his fingertips barely touched one another so he just settled with scowling after becoming out of breath with effort.

"Hey before you do that can I try something?" Gabrielle asked.

"Be my guest." Gabrielle moved towards Ares.

"Hey blondie what do you think your doing?" Ares asked.

"Seeing if you bounce." Ares made a face and showed her his pudgy middle finger. Which on made her laugh.

"Gabby don't do that, they're still the Gods in the end," Cyrene told her. Gabrielle frowned but bounced Ares anyway as Xena started first on Aphrodite. Soon the room was full of crying Gods who had shrunk down to the size of babies wearing miniature and less slutastic versions of their clothing and wore diapers. Ares was the last to go.

"Gods, they're annoying," Gabrielle said.

"Yeah I know." Xena snapped her fingers and twelve bottles appeared. She picked up the pitcher and filled the bottles with ambrosia. They all drank hungrily before taking a breath of air and burping loudly and sticking their foots in their mouths. Or they began crawling around.

"What now?" Gabrielle asked.

"Bedtime."

"Bedtime?" Gabrielle asked. Xena nodded.

"Aphrodite first she's the easiest believe me." Xena picked up a golden haired Aphrodite who giggled happily. Xena retrieved her brushed and brushed her hair.

"Four thousand nine hundred eighty-seven," Xena counted. " Four thousand nine hundred eighty-eight. Four thousand nine hundred eighty-nine, Four thousand nine hundred ninety, Four thousand nine hundred ninety-one...Five thousand." Xena finished brushing her hair and Aphrodite was fast asleep after interrupted brush counting, but they were now being sufficiently distracted by a color book that had them hypnotized.

"I get it now Bedtime," Gabrielle said seeing that Xena had finally finished. Xena nodded as Aphrodite's clam shell cradle appeared. She placed her inside after changing her. "Who's next, Ares?

"God no he's the worst, Cupid is next." Cupid was so cute with his little baby wings as floated around barely a foot off off the floor. Xena did his wing exercises and brushed his blond hair before he snuggled up next to his mother. "Let's have Hera." Hera just liked to be rocked. Zeus had to be kissed by five different women before he would settle down with a scowling Hera watching him before she would lay back down and go to sleep. Hestia and Demeter took a song about nature to put them to sleep that they all had to sing. Athena had to have a story read to her in animated detail while Artemis needed an Amazon song that Gabrielle was surprised Xena knew. Apollo also needed music, but Xena had to play it on a lyre before he would go to sleep next to his twin. Hades she had to actually play with him for a bit while he tired himself out and Xena had to fill Poseidon's bed with sea water before he went to sleep.

"Lastly is the devil himself," Gabrielle commented. Now while everyone else were happily snug in their cradles little Ares was happily taring down a tapestry Cyrene had just had put up.

"Damn it Ares," Cyrene said as it fell on top of him. He cried because he couldn't find his way out.

"That's what you get," Xena scolded finding him in the mess of cloth. "Maybe that'll teach you not to pull down tapestries." While they had all been bathed before Xena started brushing Aphrodite's hair, Ares needed another warm bath, and once she had him dressed another diaper change, which led to a bottle and constant rocking. Than he had to be thrown in the air and caught as he giggled. Than he wanted his luscious hair brushed and his little mustache stroked while he giggled evilly.

"That is one evil baby," Gabrielle told Xena.

"Look who it is," Xena commented rolling her eyes at his evil giggle. Finally he needed another diaper change and yet another bottle before he would go to sleep in his war cradle. And if Gabrielle and Cyrene expected a peaceful night it was nothing compared to all the crying Ares started and did resulted in frequent rocking and feedings at some point.

* * *

"How old are they today?" Gabrielle asked.

"Five," Xena told her after a near week of hell. "I can finally hand them off to their own chosens for primary care." The chosens arrived taking their Gods, but Ares was left in their care.

"Xena your boy was stealing."

"Ares I swear can you ever just behave yourself its not even mid morning yet!" Xena yelled. "Get in the corner right now young man." Ares cried as he walked over to the corner. Xena paid the man for everything Ares had ruined.

"Oh Xena you poor thing," Gabrielle told her. "Well good luck I'm going to visit my parents."

"Oh that's cruel, you're going on vacation." Gabrielle nodded and left.

"I hope you would treat your children a lot nicer."

"Of course because than they would be mine."

"I'm sorry," Ares told her with the complete innocence of a child. Sometimes she liked him as a child when he wasn't off being bad.

"I know you are, but let's not do that again, okay?" He nodded. He pulled out a book and held it out to her. "All right, but next time your bad, you lose out on your favorite book understood." He nodded hoping into her lap and she opened the book. "Call me the God of War for I am big and strong."

"Call me the God of war for I will give you glory," Ares recited from memory with a huge smile on his face. Xena chuckled.

"Call me the God of war for I am smarter than that old frigid Goddess Athena." Ares made a face at the mention of Athena. "I am big and strong ten times over."

"God of war!" Ares exclaimed. "Strong and Tall. Handsome as the devil and better than you all."

"That's right, but one day the God of war met someone better," Xena read.

"No one is better than me the God of war said," Ares read.

"Oh but I am said the mortal, I am strong and tall and I can out wit you every time God of war. The God of war shook his long black mane of hair that cast shadows over his wars. You are wrong, and I will show you, we will fight each other in a war and the victor will take all the glory."

"Punch, Kick, Parry, Lunge, the God of War won the war. You will be my chosen he told the stranger."

"But the stranger laughed and said well it seems I have won after all for I have outwitted the God of war."

"Yay!" Ares cheered. "Read it again, read it again."

"No, maybe tomorrow I've enlarged your ego enough for today. Go play, but don't get into trouble or else." After Ares was five he grew quickly into a teenager and by the third day he was fully grown with his powers back.

"Your welcome," Xena told him annoyed. He disappeared without a word back to his usual self.

* * *

"I am the God of war..." Gabrielle heard Xena reading by the river early one morning a few months later. When she peaked through the bushes she found her sitting on Ares lap as she read. He was smiling and she was laughing too as they read his favorite story.


End file.
